Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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