My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
