Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
