I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
