so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying