did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
