You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
