wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
