He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
