wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
