Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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