There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
