True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
bring money and cleavage
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
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He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
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I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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