I can feel you judging me through the phone.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
