i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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