Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
