Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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