Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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