He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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