omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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