I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
And then he peed in my hair
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