WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
