he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
