After last night, I could never be a politician.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
