I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
