how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
