I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I smell like Dick and happiness
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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