All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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