Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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