Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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