Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
