me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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