I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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