the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
