dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
