remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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