so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
