i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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