life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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