True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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