i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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