I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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