I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
