just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
