So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
