I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
