i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
