Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
