I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
