Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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