Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i was born a porn star she said
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
