Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
