You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Randomize
