At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
