i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.