my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
