Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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