I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
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You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
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This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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