What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
