i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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